Tim Dowling: if I wasn’t so busy doing nothing, I could possibly be having enjoyable | Life and magnificence

One minute the home is full – once I stroll within the oldest one, and his good friend, and the center one, and my spouse are all fussing over a handbook juicer the oldest one has introduced again from a automotive boot sale.

“What’s occurring?” I say.

“We’re juicing,” says the oldest. There are 20 spent orange halves on the worktop, and an inch of juice in a glass under the squeezer.

“Is it working?” I say.

“Form of,” says the center one.

“I might need purchased the improper type of oranges,” my spouse says.

“Did you purchase wax ones?” I say.

Twelve hours later, I discover myself alone. My spouse has determined, with little or no warning, to take a prepare to Dorset to stick with a good friend. Everybody else has already packed off. The home is empty, other than the animals mendacity on the kitchen ground watching my each transfer. I can’t keep in mind the final time this occurred to me; it should have been greater than a 12 months in the past.

I don’t thoughts spending time alone, however I can’t faux I’m good at it. Inside 45 minutes I’m speaking to myself. Something over 48 hours and I begin to eat with my arms.

However every time I’m obliged to spend a fastened interval alone, a much bigger downside presents itself: I don’t know find out how to use the time. Sitting in my workplace shed, I discover myself paralysed by indecision.

It’s not as if I’ve no choices. I’ve too many choices – tax paperwork, minor house repairs, unanswered emails. I may clear my workplace – an annual occasion now three years overdue. I may minimize the grass, however I gained’t get any credit score for that.

I go away my workplace, cross the overgrown garden, step into the kitchen and go searching. Three lounging animals elevate their heads.

I may, I believe, attempt to discover a extra long-term resolution to the dishwasher downside – there’s one thing improper with the door latch, so it solely works in the event you seal it shut with packing tape first.

“However in a approach, that may be a long-term resolution,” I say, to nobody, “as a result of I’ve obtained loads of packing tape.” The brand new canine thumps its tail towards the ground twice.

“I’m not speaking to you, after all,” I say. “However this door factor, it’s such a silly downside. Why can’t my issues be extra clever?”

“Miaow,” says the cat.

“I didn’t imply to open up the ground for debate,” I say. “I used to be simply passing by means of.”

I may have a shower, I believe, or learn the guide group guide, or each. I may select one of many 5 Scandinavian drama sequence I’m presently midway by means of watching, and end it off in a single sitting. I may, I remind myself, simply return to my workplace and do some precise work – it’s, in spite of everything, 3pm on a Tuesday. However work is my major excuse for being unavailable to do different issues. If nobody’s right here to make calls for on me, what’s the purpose?

The outdated canine stands, sneezes, and pees on the ground at my ft.

“Nice,” I say, lifting the canine and depositing it within the backyard.

After cleansing up the piss, I find yourself again in my workplace sitting at my desk, holding a banjo however not enjoying it, whereas watching international monetary indices plummet in actual time. This has turn into my default passion: a ringside seat to the top of the world.

I obtain a textual content from a language app suggesting that now may be time for an Italian lesson.

“It’s been two years,” I say.

I get an e-mail from my accountant, asking for my now very overdue tax paperwork.

“Ugh,” I say. “The stress.”

My spouse sends me an image of 4 seedlings sitting in a field at some type of nation backyard sale.

Her textual content says: “Would you like these?”

I reply: “What are they?”

“Some type of bean,” she writes.

“Sure please,” I write. There’s a pause in our communication. On my laptop display screen, numerous monetary indicators are performing a synchronised dive in sluggish movement.

“Sorry we’d already left,” my spouse writes.

I believe: I may plant my very own seedlings, or get to the fish store earlier than it closes, or do these stretches for my again. The brand new canine sticks its head around the door and yawns performatively.

“I’m truly proper in the course of one thing,” I say.

The canine enters, pushes its snout underneath my left elbow and lifts.

“We will go for a stroll in a minute,” I  say. “However as I’ve defined earlier than, I’m an essential businessman, and I …”

“Miaow,” says the cat, from the doorway.

“THIS IS MY TIME,” I say.